As I’ve gone through adolescence and adulthood I was taught that showing weakness and vulnerability was not only wrong. But unacceptable.
So I stopped talking. Stopped sharing how I felt. Stopped feeling. I’d cry in the shower. I’d never mention any conflict in my life or as for help, ever.
It ruined my idea of self worth and my personal family dynamic. The essential place where you are to learn and feel safe was not that, at all. It was the opposite. I was chastised for being weak. Which really was being human.
I raised my kids alone. Had no choice. Do I wish my kids had a “Dad”? Absolutely. But not one who chose not to be there so I became both. Mom and Dad.
I refused to allow my kids to not be themselves. I allowed them to cry. I allowed them to talk to me. In fact we have such a close relationship with one another that if I even go a day or two without contact. I feel gutted. Like completely gutted.
My kids are all adults now but they and I have a very different relationship than I have with my own parents.
I have no relationship with my parents. that’s a fact. It’s not something that happened over night but it’s broken. And it makes me wonder. How the hell did they go weeks, months, years without communication? How could they sit back and see what I went through and not help or ask if I was okay?
When my kids face turmoil I feel it in my soul. That how much it pains me to see them face trials. I never had that. Not ever.
My youngest has been missing 95 days now. Literally missing. No clue where she is. When I knew where I thought she was I called local authorities, Rangers, FBI, anything and anyone I could think of for help. To no avail. I even had a police officer be inappropriate with me and get fired over this situation, but nothing about my daughter. Not a desire of hope. I am so torn. Do I just hope she’s okay and keep living my life? Or do I stay in the pit of despair and feel guilty for even being happy?
Such a hard line to ride. Is this a rebellious teen or an abduction? Not even sure. My relationship with her is so close I can’t imagine her not talking to me let alone not wanting too. I have no words. Nothing.
I love all my kids. I want whats best for all my kids. I adore, all my kids. I tattooed a tribute to them. Take a look! These three woman have made me who I am today. I will forever be grateful for all of them.
xojoxo