Choosing to compete this year had a lot of factors play into it. I LOVE to compete and to better myself and to show women, like me, that even with limitations, you CAN do it. Doesn’t matter what the naysayers say, You can do HARD things.
I have a spinal cord injury. I have a child awol, I have a child focusing on her mental health and away from me and zero family support. And by zero, I mean nothing. I set a boundary a year ago about what I would allow in my life and so far they have not complied. So, this perperation for setting another world record has its turbulent mental strain with my internal self. Not that I don’t think I can do it, I do! It’s the guilt that I am focusing time on me instead of worrying about my kids, or that maybe there is something more important that I can be doing with my time.
Truth is If i can’t take care of myself, who am I good for? No one. Its healthy to do self care and if setting a huge goal, like setting a world record is something that forces me to do that, then its actually not selfish, it’s a means to become a better mother to my girls, a better girlfriend to my boyfriend and a better friend to my friends.
I have found out whats wrong with my back and was suggested to have surgery in August of this year and I refused . Not only because I don’t have help here, but if my kids need me, I want to be available to be there for them. To me they are still the most important people to me. Even above my health. This was not an was not an easy decision. I have a 75 pound service dog I cannot take out if i have surgery for who knows how long. It’s not just about me. Its about everything in my life.
This year I am competing in the Law/Fire Division in Powerlifting. I currently hold the world record but I’m looking to smash it. Set the bar higher and make it harder to beat. I compete in a natural federation and have love the sportsmanship in it. It’s out of state so it should be interesting. Quick trip!
Even though I have decided to compete and am training and dieting for it, I still have days I feel guilty, days I don’t care about it, but I also have days I feel so strong, so powerful and inspirational that it makes it worth it. Even knowing I am going alone and once again doing something great, without anyone to be there to share it with.
Bodybuilding used to be my sport of choice. I love it. My back just wont allow me to train my lower body enough to be competitive anymore. It’s been a hard realization but I feel blessed I found a sport I not only like but do extremely well at.
Just a few random Friday thoughts for you all. Hope you all have a safe weekend.
xojoxo
