Competition

Choosing to compete this year had a lot of factors play into it. I LOVE to compete and to better myself and to show women, like me, that even with limitations, you CAN do it. Doesn’t matter what the naysayers say, You can do HARD things.

I have a spinal cord injury. I have a child awol, I have a child focusing on her mental health and away from me and zero family support. And by zero, I mean nothing. I set a boundary a year ago about what I would allow in my life and so far they have not complied. So, this perperation for setting another world record has its turbulent mental strain with my internal self. Not that I don’t think I can do it, I do! It’s the guilt that I am focusing time on me instead of worrying about my kids, or that maybe there is something more important that I can be doing with my time.

Truth is If i can’t take care of myself, who am I good for? No one. Its healthy to do self care and if setting a huge goal, like setting a world record is something that forces me to do that, then its actually not selfish, it’s a means to become a better mother to my girls, a better girlfriend to my boyfriend and a better friend to my friends.

I have found out whats wrong with my back and was suggested to have surgery in August of this year and I refused . Not only because I don’t have help here, but if my kids need me, I want to be available to be there for them. To me they are still the most important people to me. Even above my health. This was not an was not an easy decision. I have a 75 pound service dog I cannot take out if i have surgery for who knows how long. It’s not just about me. Its about everything in my life.

This year I am competing in the Law/Fire Division in Powerlifting. I currently hold the world record but I’m looking to smash it. Set the bar higher and make it harder to beat. I compete in a natural federation and have love the sportsmanship in it. It’s out of state so it should be interesting. Quick trip!

Even though I have decided to compete and am training and dieting for it, I still have days I feel guilty, days I don’t care about it, but I also have days I feel so strong, so powerful and inspirational that it makes it worth it. Even knowing I am going alone and once again doing something great, without anyone to be there to share it with.

Bodybuilding used to be my sport of choice. I love it. My back just wont allow me to train my lower body enough to be competitive anymore. It’s been a hard realization but I feel blessed I found a sport I not only like but do extremely well at.

Just a few random Friday thoughts for you all. Hope you all have a safe weekend.

xojoxo

A Woman isn’t finished when she’s defeated. She’s finished when she quits!

I think when were born and while we grow up, we don’t know exactly what life has in store for us. I think we watch Disney movies and get a skewed sense of what real life should look like.

Between Disney and Religion I was set up for heartache. Nothing about either “reality” they preached was real. Being so young you are so impressionable and as you grow to adulthood and experience what real life is, its like a kick in the pants. Doing what you’re raised and “told” to do and trying to fulfill the “Disney” life, is nothing short of disappointment.

I am now in my 40s and still navigating what I want my life to be like. Living in the USA is VASTLY different than Canada. You always think the grass is greener. Culture plays a huge part of who we become and even though I’ve been in Utah for many many years, the culture, kills me.

I grew up wanting nothing more than to be a police officer. Which dream came true, on the federal level. Only stopped due to my spinal cord injury I sustained, while on duty. Not only are the people here so different than back home. The police are extremely different. In my experience, the police here (not all, but lots) abuse their power and love to intimidate anyone who slightly looks at them sideways. Doesn’t matter race or nationality.

Moving to the USA was to improve my spine and to take advantage of state of the art medical advancements that Canada had not yet incorporated. The USA has great medical care, but corporations, are taking over ,and doctors are changing careers and/or just look at the bottom dollar amount. Which drastically affects the care of patients.

The Canadian government is responsible for my medical care that’s associated with my injuries sustained while on duty. But, they drag their feet and take forever, if not years to pay for the care, or reimburse me.

I’m a fighter for what’s right. I only let a few people into my circle. Hell, I don’t even know if there are enough people to even make a circle. If you’re in my company and space, you’re special.

I have integrity, rare, I know. But if you get to know me long enough, you will learn this to be true. In so much that I will carry the weight of the world to show it. Not to be “Right” but to show that someone needs to stand up for what’s right. Some causes are important to stand up for and if I need to be the subject to bring awareness to it, I am not afraid.

I have huge goals. I don’t back down, easily. Maybe this is a fault. Sometimes the weight of the world is too heavy. Life isn’t fair. But I have been blessed and I try to remain tranquil and zen while balancing a sea of emotions and fears, much like we all do.

Medical stress is huge for me. My back is not okay. My fitness career is literally in the balance. It’s gutting me. I pray for a miracle and pray I can finish this year strong. I am contemplating public speaking. I believe I have a lot to offer and could inspire a lot of people. Life doesn’t have to be lonely.

Choosing to be happy is a choice and as heavy as life can be I try to be happy.

oxjoxo

Getting it in, whether you have a specific goal, or not.

Every January, for the last 8 years, I have had strict fitness goals and plans. January 1 us usually the starting point to extreme training and goals for me. Today, is February 9 and I don’t have a specific goal set, for this year.

Not that I don’t want to compete this year. I have a spinal cord injury, and my back is in a lot of pain. I had my third back surgery in September, last year, and my spine still hurts. It feels defeating. I want to have a “goal” and something to drive towards, right now.

Both of my SI joints are fused. Which limits the flexibility and range of motion . In fact, it reduces more than 50% of flexion, and axial rotation of the SI joint with minimal, less than 5% increase in range of motion in the lumbar spine. My lumbar spine is where my injury is. L4 L5 S1 and S2. Its so bad that i now have scoliosis of the lower spine.

I was told back in 2015 that I’d need a spinal fusion, eventually. That back then I was too young. I am now (cough) older and expected my surgeon to approve the spine fusion. But without a new MRI, he won’t approve it. But, the catch is…..I have a spinal stimulator implanted that is NOT MRI compatible. Which is frustrating. To swap out the non MRI charge port, the company who made it wants to charge me $22,000 to replace it!!!! That doesn’t include the surgeon’s time, anesthesia, medical hospital or anything! And I have a sternum, dermal piercing, I’d have to get removed. At which point I can have an MRI that may or may not show anything. Its so frustrating.

Every day, I choose to be positive and get in training and workouts, but they are not like before. The intensity isn’t the same and its hard not to be critical of myself. Even my push-up form is suffering cause my pelvis is fused and so my lower spine, where the injury still is, has to do most of the work and its painful.

This is a photo of me doing my push-ups and didn’t realize until after, that I had a cute photo bomber. Look at him! This is one of my favorite photos now.

I love this k9.

xojoxo