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Competition

by JoelleLeave a Comment on Competition

Choosing to compete this year had a lot of factors play into it. I LOVE to compete and to better myself and to show women, like me, that even with limitations, you CAN do it. Doesn’t matter what the naysayers say, You can do HARD things.

I have a spinal cord injury. I have a child awol, I have a child focusing on her mental health and away from me and zero family support. And by zero, I mean nothing. I set a boundary a year ago about what I would allow in my life and so far they have not complied. So, this perperation for setting another world record has its turbulent mental strain with my internal self. Not that I don’t think I can do it, I do! It’s the guilt that I am focusing time on me instead of worrying about my kids, or that maybe there is something more important that I can be doing with my time.

Truth is If i can’t take care of myself, who am I good for? No one. Its healthy to do self care and if setting a huge goal, like setting a world record is something that forces me to do that, then its actually not selfish, it’s a means to become a better mother to my girls, a better girlfriend to my boyfriend and a better friend to my friends.

I have found out whats wrong with my back and was suggested to have surgery in August of this year and I refused . Not only because I don’t have help here, but if my kids need me, I want to be available to be there for them. To me they are still the most important people to me. Even above my health. This was not an was not an easy decision. I have a 75 pound service dog I cannot take out if i have surgery for who knows how long. It’s not just about me. Its about everything in my life.

This year I am competing in the Law/Fire Division in Powerlifting. I currently hold the world record but I’m looking to smash it. Set the bar higher and make it harder to beat. I compete in a natural federation and have love the sportsmanship in it. It’s out of state so it should be interesting. Quick trip!

Even though I have decided to compete and am training and dieting for it, I still have days I feel guilty, days I don’t care about it, but I also have days I feel so strong, so powerful and inspirational that it makes it worth it. Even knowing I am going alone and once again doing something great, without anyone to be there to share it with.

Bodybuilding used to be my sport of choice. I love it. My back just wont allow me to train my lower body enough to be competitive anymore. It’s been a hard realization but I feel blessed I found a sport I not only like but do extremely well at.

Just a few random Friday thoughts for you all. Hope you all have a safe weekend.

xojoxo

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Different Breed

by JoelleLeave a Comment on Different Breed

As I’ve gone through adolescence and adulthood I was taught that showing weakness and vulnerability was not only wrong. But unacceptable.

So I stopped talking. Stopped sharing how I felt. Stopped feeling. I’d cry in the shower. I’d never mention any conflict in my life or as for help, ever.

It ruined my idea of self worth and my personal family dynamic. The essential place where you are to learn and feel safe was not that, at all. It was the opposite. I was chastised for being weak. Which really was being human.

I raised my kids alone. Had no choice. Do I wish my kids had a “Dad”? Absolutely. But not one who chose not to be there so I became both. Mom and Dad.

I refused to allow my kids to not be themselves. I allowed them to cry. I allowed them to talk to me. In fact we have such a close relationship with one another that if I even go a day or two without contact. I feel gutted. Like completely gutted.

My kids are all adults now but they and I have a very different relationship than I have with my own parents.

I have no relationship with my parents. that’s a fact. It’s not something that happened over night but it’s broken. And it makes me wonder. How the hell did they go weeks, months, years without communication? How could they sit back and see what I went through and not help or ask if I was okay?

When my kids face turmoil I feel it in my soul. That how much it pains me to see them face trials. I never had that. Not ever.

My youngest has been missing 95 days now. Literally missing. No clue where she is. When I knew where I thought she was I called local authorities, Rangers, FBI, anything and anyone I could think of for help. To no avail. I even had a police officer be inappropriate with me and get fired over this situation, but nothing about my daughter. Not a desire of hope. I am so torn. Do I just hope she’s okay and keep living my life? Or do I stay in the pit of despair and feel guilty for even being happy?

Such a hard line to ride. Is this a rebellious teen or an abduction? Not even sure. My relationship with her is so close I can’t imagine her not talking to me let alone not wanting too. I have no words. Nothing.

I love all my kids. I want whats best for all my kids. I adore, all my kids. I tattooed a tribute to them. Take a look! These three woman have made me who I am today. I will forever be grateful for all of them.

xojoxo

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Pondering

by JoelleLeave a Comment on Pondering

I spoke with someone the other day. Someone I just met. A random, polite conversation about depression. I’ve always thought I didn’t know what the difference between PTSD, anxiety and depression was. I know what PTSD is, I know what anxiety is, I know what sadness is, but can’t put my finger depression and how that feels.

My youngest is missing. When I say missing I literally mean I haven’t seen her since mothers day. June 9th was our last phone call and June 25th she reached out to me on social media, begging me to get her away. Domestic Abduction is a real thing. The police here won’t help, the police where she is won’t help. Where I believe she is…..Apparently you turn 18 and you all of a sudden can’t be held against your will, you can’t be taken, no one cares, anymore.

Her land lord, who’s a pompous prick wouldn’t even do a welfare check, nor the police in Logan. The land lord owns the majority of the rentals in Logan so hes self proclaimed, “above the law” and runs on his own accord which is nothing of an integral human.

I went from raising my daughters alone. I mean ALONE. Talking to the one who’s missing 10x a day, Face timing all the time, to NOTHING. The only communication has been the one nightmare of a conversation June 25 begging for help. When the police got to her, they took her back to where she’s been held against her will and that’s the last I’ve heard from her.

Her lease somehow was magically cancelled. All her belongings left there. Everything precious to her. Nothing she would abandon. I went to Logan in July and with her boyfriend packed up her belongings and brought them home. Her existence is in my dining room. My heart is in my throat.

I feel helpless. No one will help, no one will do a welfare check and ID her. She would never just disappear and not talk to me or he sisters and leave everything behind.

Depression: characterized by persistent sadness and a loss of interest in activities that you would normally enjoy.

This isn’t how I feel. Not even close.

Grief is more accurate with how I feel. It’s worse than sadness, worse than pain, worse than hurt. I feel like I can’t breathe. That I’m numb.

I have zero family, but my girls. One is married and happy and busy living and creating her own life. Which I am so proud of!

One is struggling with her own personal challenges and proud of her for facing them even though they are not the easiest.

I’m still blessed with great fitness sponsors. I have a continued love for the gym and all things fitness.

I have a great significant other. Can’t complain there one bit.

My heart is broken for my missing daughter. It’s hard not to cry at the very thought of her. I’m devastated and grief stricken. I almost feel guilty for being so blessed with being happy in other areas of my life that are going well.

I hope that of she reads this post that she knows that I love her more than anything and that I hope she can get away and call me so I can help her. I’m not mad. I’m not upset. I’m worried and grief stricken.

I love you Gabrielle and I miss you so so much ❤️

Mom

Xojoxo

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A Woman isn’t finished when she’s defeated. She’s finished when she quits!

by JoelleLeave a Comment on A Woman isn’t finished when she’s defeated. She’s finished when she quits!

I think when were born and while we grow up, we don’t know exactly what life has in store for us. I think we watch Disney movies and get a skewed sense of what real life should look like.

Between Disney and Religion I was set up for heartache. Nothing about either “reality” they preached was real. Being so young you are so impressionable and as you grow to adulthood and experience what real life is, its like a kick in the pants. Doing what you’re raised and “told” to do and trying to fulfill the “Disney” life, is nothing short of disappointment.

I am now in my 40s and still navigating what I want my life to be like. Living in the USA is VASTLY different than Canada. You always think the grass is greener. Culture plays a huge part of who we become and even though I’ve been in Utah for many many years, the culture, kills me.

I grew up wanting nothing more than to be a police officer. Which dream came true, on the federal level. Only stopped due to my spinal cord injury I sustained, while on duty. Not only are the people here so different than back home. The police are extremely different. In my experience, the police here (not all, but lots) abuse their power and love to intimidate anyone who slightly looks at them sideways. Doesn’t matter race or nationality.

Moving to the USA was to improve my spine and to take advantage of state of the art medical advancements that Canada had not yet incorporated. The USA has great medical care, but corporations, are taking over ,and doctors are changing careers and/or just look at the bottom dollar amount. Which drastically affects the care of patients.

The Canadian government is responsible for my medical care that’s associated with my injuries sustained while on duty. But, they drag their feet and take forever, if not years to pay for the care, or reimburse me.

I’m a fighter for what’s right. I only let a few people into my circle. Hell, I don’t even know if there are enough people to even make a circle. If you’re in my company and space, you’re special.

I have integrity, rare, I know. But if you get to know me long enough, you will learn this to be true. In so much that I will carry the weight of the world to show it. Not to be “Right” but to show that someone needs to stand up for what’s right. Some causes are important to stand up for and if I need to be the subject to bring awareness to it, I am not afraid.

I have huge goals. I don’t back down, easily. Maybe this is a fault. Sometimes the weight of the world is too heavy. Life isn’t fair. But I have been blessed and I try to remain tranquil and zen while balancing a sea of emotions and fears, much like we all do.

Medical stress is huge for me. My back is not okay. My fitness career is literally in the balance. It’s gutting me. I pray for a miracle and pray I can finish this year strong. I am contemplating public speaking. I believe I have a lot to offer and could inspire a lot of people. Life doesn’t have to be lonely.

Choosing to be happy is a choice and as heavy as life can be I try to be happy.

oxjoxo

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Personal Growth

by JoelleLeave a Comment on Personal Growth
Personal Growth

Personal growth is the process of developing new skills, attitudes, actions, or reactions that can have a positive impact on your life and increase your overall well-being.

Now how wonderful would this be to implemented into each of our lives? It’s not easy. Now a days people are addicted to instant gratification and don’t practice patience, skills, attitudes, or much less reactions.

I have worked with a trauma therapist for nearly 9 months now. Yes, I’m admitting it. I was so tired of living the mundane life of doing what society told me or trained me to expect or pretending (yes, pretending) to be happy or submissive just to make sure other people aren’t happy with me. Even with a boundary that is healthy for me AND them.

It wasn’t easy but I’ve been retraining my brain to develop the skills, attitudes, actions and especially my reactions to make my life POSITIVE and HAPPIER, thus increasing MY overall well-being.

I truly believe we are in charge of our own happiness, With saying that I do not believe being happy means being alone. But sometimes being alone for a moment of time (whatever that looks like for you) is better than being with someone who doesn’t make you better, pushes you to be the best version on yourself etc. That doesn’t imply that relationships need to be perfect. No one is. And I’m not just referring to intimate partner relationships, I’m talking with your kids, friends, family, work partners etc. Our imperfections are what makes us unique, The difference is can you, yes you, admit when you were wrong? Sit back and analyze why someone was hurt by what you did or said? (whether intentional or not), Can you apologize? Can you have hard conversations to grow and be better?

There needs to be mutual respect and trust. Ghosting is a new “normal” which is so immature. Have the hard conversations and try to see how you can keep friendships, with friends, family etc.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who doesn’t know where to start. And no, this isn’t a paid referral. I was recommended it by my therapist and it helped me HUGE. It’s called “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa Terkeurst.

I truly believe and know I am a better person now than I was 9 months ago. Have I lost some of my tribe developing my new perspectives and boundaries? 100%. Is my life lighter and happier? 100%. I believe as a person I bring way more to the table. I am more purposeful in my relationships, I choose. I am kinder to myself, and am truly a more peaceful person. I don’t offend easily. I apologize more often. I think more before I respond. I listen to hear, not to respond. And most important, I value myself a thousand more times more than I did, I don’t tolerate less than I deserve, I don’t have friends just to have a tribe. I have friends who bring purpose and make me better and look for a relationship that is mutually respectful and I can see working long term and not just for the time being. Not that this has a time line. Just in general, it’s what I am looking for.

The best part of this entire process is I am happier and content with myself and so much more confident with myself and not afraid to go fro what I want or to step away from what doesn’t feel right. I am confident inn trusting my instincts and use the tools I’ve learned to improve mt daily well-being.

Okay enough of my rambling that has nothing to do with fitness, but in the end, how we feel about ourselves ultimately affects all aspects if our lives so this does and will affect how we are in the gym, how we sleep, eat, keep cortisol levels down etc. So take it for what its worth and don’t forget to love yourselves a little bit more.

xojoxo