Life has a funny way of coming the whole circle. As a bodybuilder, we are constantly working towards the end goal. This is accomplished by daily if not hourly additions to our bodies or “cart” as an example. We eat every couple hours, drink a set amount of water each day, and try to get as much sleep in as possible to help recover.

We also spend time in the gym, breaking down muscle fibers. The goal is to break them down enough to have them grow and recover larger and more pleasing to the eye. Keeping it simple here.

How true is this in the reflection in our own lives? Different situations in our own lives break us down, tearing each individual fiber of us and how we recover will determine how we heal. Do we get “larger “or more personal growth to better our lives? Do we get enough sleep and “recovery” to be stronger the next day? And, get this thought. Are our broken fibers able to heal in a more pleasing to the eye look?

Now that’s something to think about. We all have experiences and situations that define us. A loss of a child, a divorce, trauma, miscarriage, abuse, so many things can affect each of us. But after were broken and stagnant. Then what?

Self reflection can be tricky. We are born with innate qualities. Some great and some not so much. Being malleable and flexible in different situations with different people can strengthen or weaken our power. Whether is be subconscious or not. They don’t always do it on purpose. But some people are just more compatible and draw to one another better than others.

For a typical bodybuilding prep it takes us 12 hard weeks to get the desired look. How long does it take us as people to develop into the best version of ourselves? How much breaking down do we have to take to finally become what God intended? Sometimes this thought frustrates me. Why do some people seem to have “easier” challenges than others? And here some are putting in the work. Day after Day. Breaking down our souls and hearts to grow and become stronger. Just to keep being on repeat and stuck in the constant sore and tender fiber break down portion?

Maybe I am missing something but some struggles some people are faced with seem so much of an easier burden to carry than what God places in others lives. Sometimes I perceive that some people always get the Arm day at the gym. And here I am stuck on Legs and Glutes. Doesn’t matter how refined they get or how many times I tear the fibers. I am either not pleasing enough to the eye or I have more growth to do. I’m just over here pondering on that…….




Happiness is such a broad idea from one person to another. Even as we mature and grow we all develop different ideas of what makes each and every one of us happy.

I can remember as a child growing up I wanted so bad to get my university finished and be a stay at home mom. Get that nice big house and reliable car. I figured that would make me happy.

Fast forward to being a mom and finishing university, I ended up divorcing my kids dad and was facing the reality that my definition of happiness as defined as my child self; was going to change, huge. I now was unable to just be a stay at home mom and needed to work to support my girls.

I also had to realize that what I went to school for and what I wanted to do for work wasn’t going to work as a single parent. So, I sacrificed what my definition of happiness was to making sure my kids were good.

Now fast froward 20 years. My definition of happiness and what drives me to being truly happy is vastly different than what I pictured growing up. What makes me happy now it seeing my kids happy and thrive. Not having financial insecurity. Meaning, bills paid, rent/mortgage paid, food in the fridge etc. I am not a high matinance woman at all. I could live happily in the smallest, oldest place with those I love so long as the bills are paid. It truly is that simple. I’d follow my best friend to the ends of the earth. Doing whatever made us happy, so long as I don’t worry about basic needs being met.

I grew up with the idea that men provide. I was taught to get education as you never know what life has in store for you. Little did i know that very education I did paved a path that not only provided for my kids but will provide for me for the rest of my life. Now back to the culture around men providing. I get that its 2020 and its not as easy as that. I understand many times, now more than ever that women have to bring in income as well.

I sustained a spinal cord injury in 2013. Its bad enough that I’ve been deemed permanently disabled. So I get a pension. So I cannot work a normal job. Some people think this is a blessing. In a lot of ways, it is but it also means nursing a bad deteriorating back injury. I cant do what I used to do. My days are planned around my back and how it feels.

My biggest struggle being retired with a pension is people don’t see me as a person who works and brings in income. There are someone who “stays home” and gets free money. Drives me Crazy. I literally had to break my back to get the pension I have, And I live in America. My pension is in Canadian dollars. So after taxes and the 36% exchange rate, I lose A LOT.

Many people think since I stay at home, I don’t contribute which crushes my sole. I still run an entire house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, everything. I’m burnt out. I’m starting to think the men I was raised thinking were out there, aren’t. I’m tired of feeling worthless and that I’m not appreciated. Expected to pay their bills while my bank account drains and they reap all benefits of being in a bubble.

Relationships are a partnership and if you find yourself doing everything without a compromise of your partner. As heartbreaking as it is, you need to decide how much you will tolerate What happens when the money disappears? For real though.

I choose to be here and am blessed to be a permanent resident here. I love it. I just want the recognition that I do bring an income, even though I don’t work 9-5. I’m not lazy. I do everything I can to bring things to the table that can be recognized physically as to not be looked on like I got out of working life for free.

Maybe I’m ranting for nothing. Just because you don’t see the story behind the individual doesn’t mean their value diminishes.

I long for happiness. I thought I found it. Money isn’t everything. It makes life easier though. I find in my experience that even if you discuss money before entering into relationships that the default is always, you have a pension “Free money” (roll eyes) and I can just be the bread winner and all the stress and responsibilities of adulting default to me.

Just like I teach my own children. You cant spend more than you make. You cant play all day if you cant pay rent. I thought this was basic knowledge?!? Whats happened to this generation? Have women really hurt you men so bad in the past that every next woman you date is responsible for righting all the wrongs from past exs?

I’m truly confused. When I’m single I’m way more financially secure than when I’m in a relationship. Two incomes and less secure with money? It doesn’t make sense. Maybe its a culture thing. I was raised not to live in access and if you want to play you need to work for it. You cant just wait for shut off bills to come to pay them?!? It blows my mind how many people here do that.

I have many wonderful, beautiful, hard working female friends who are single for this very reason. Lots of men don’t want to contribute. If your in a committed relationship and living together and sharing bills, you both need to contribute. Its give and take I understand and some months one contributes more than another and sometimes you need to get creative. But hiding your head in the sand for weeks or months doesn’t fix anything If anything it creates resentment.

Women who have been single moms don’t want to pay all the bills and your child support while you stay stagnant not trying to contribute. If its not financial, lets face it life is hard now. There are many ways to contribute. House hold chores, car matinance, selling unwanted items, cleaning, cooking. Most women just want to see effort.

I still believe relationships can work. its not easy, but if two people want it bad enough it can be magical.

Well that’s my rant for the day. I think its sad where this world has come too. I miss the old cultural expectations. Nothing is sexier than a man wanting and trying to provide the best he can. Don’t confuse that for me thinking a man has to do it all. Not at all, but neither should the woman.