My Why

People often ask my “Why” all the time.  For everything in my life.  I’ve sometimes wondered why on many subjects myself.  I find on some topics, I’m still figuring it all out.

My why……

Fitness:  My fitness began as a bucket list item.  I always loved fitness.  Played rugby in high school.  Certified in white water kayaking in junior high.  I joined the Canadian Armed Forces in 2012 and pushed my fitness to an even higher level to be more competitive than my male counter parts.  Bodybuilding was purely bucket list.  I was forced to medically retire at age 35.  But, they said fitness, under the direction of a doctor was acceptable.  So, I hired a trainer, with the goal to step on stage and compete as a bikini competitor.

Immigrating:  Since I was a young child I remember always wanting to be an American.  No real reason, just wanted it as much as I wanted to be a police officer.  When I broke my back, on duty, I needed a surgery, they didn’t offer in Canada, at the time.  So I moved to the USA to have the surgery I needed to “get better”.  It was my entry to the USA and I filed for naturalization and 8 years layer I received my American citizenship.


Boundaries:  I was raised EXTREMELY Christian.  Which forced me to be a huge people pleaser.  Living in a state of constant fear that if I didn’t live by the letter of “the law”  that, I’d go to hell.  This had me shut down.  Conditioned me to do what I was told, not always what i wanted. I moved out at 17 and swore I’d never go home, again.  Years of this mentality has pushed me away so far from who I truly was.  So much so, I lived away, but still with the mentality that I somehow had to still live the way I was expected too.  This tore me apart.  I felt like I didn’t know who I was.  Got married, cause I was expected too.  Was humiliated cause, I was so “old” when I got married (Almost 21).  Which is “old” for my religion.  I was told, “Only ugly girls serve missions”.  You had to be 21 to serve a mission as a girl, because being a mother was more important.

I was very confused and extremely unhappy.  My kids dad cheated, repeatedly.  Yet, I was told to stay.  Finally, I left.  I had friend support but not from my family.  I was told to not share my feelings because it would stress out my mom…..

Fast forward to September 2022.  I had surgery, again.  On my back, from my injury.  Its the third one, to date.  The meds they put me on put me into the biggest PTSD tail spin in my life.  It was so bad I needed a lot of help. The friends I thought I had weren’t there.  My so called best friend, even wasn’t there for me.  I decided then, I needed strict boundaries and will no longer tolerate people taking up space in my life who bring no value to me.  Not saying they need to bring actually things to my life.  Just if they don’t bring positivity, they’re gone.

Which was and is so hard for me.  The people pleaser in me hates this but its been so freeing. I’ve set many boundaries with family and friends.  I feel so alone, at times.  But, truth be told, I was alone before, but put up with some people, cause that’s what I was raised to do.  Becoming the best version of me, meant pushing away a lot of people I loved.  Not romantically, but people I truly cared about.

I find this generation and world truly believes that lasting friendships and relationships are insignificant and they’re always looking for the next rush or thrill and don’t focus on the now and long term goal.

Protection K9:  People ask me this all the time.  Why did I get a K9.  I was a victim, now survivor of Domestic Violence and will not allow that to happen again.  I am very cautious of new people and situations and so I have my dog to keep people away from me.  And, God forbid, I get attacked, again, I have a dog who can help me.  He’s been the most expensive investment in my safety, but worth every penny.

Family:  I have three, now adult, children.  One is 22, 19 & 18.  All girls.  My oldest has been married 2 years, no grand babies, yet.  They are all I have in this country.  I don’t talk to my siblings as they don’t like the boundaries I set and I will not bend them to accommodate them.  Just like some friends, I’ve set some boundaries, I won’t compromise, so I have spent some time alone, reflecting on myself and what I need to do to better myself and allow for new, healthy, relationships.  It’s a process, and not easy.  But its better and healthier for me this way.



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