Living With Pain

Living with pain is something that seems like my new normal. My back injury definitely defines my days, months, years. Some days the pain is unbearable. Which affects everything. My mood, outlook, drive and even my goals.Lately, I have been stuck laying flat on the couch or the floor if it gets bad enough. It’s everything I can do to take the edge off of how bad my back hurts. My implant lately hasn’t been able to keep up with pain management and it’s been incredibly frustrating. I try really hard not to take pain killers as the side affects are something I don’t want to deal with but as of late I have taken some heavy duty emergency pain killers to help make my day bearable.

Keeping positive when life throws you a curve is hard. I have new goals for this year and laying flat cause of pain does not fit into my time line.

I remind myself that a couple days out of the gym to help improve my pain levels and actually of more benefit than going to the gym and hurting myself more by overdoing it.

I have added chiropractic into my regiment in efforts to help my spine and legs stay in alignment. I have and still do massage weekly to help also. Right now my body is so angry with me it’s hard to feel relaxed.

I also have a lacrosse ball I use to help release right muscles which I love. But lately, oh my goodness, I am miserable. My lower back is so tight I have two fluid filled sacs at the base of my back. It seems no matter how much I get these spots broken down, they keep refilling with fluid and causing more pain. I call them my “balls” haha. But that’s exactly what they feel like.

Adapting is something people who suffer from chronic pain deal with every day. Issues between what we want to do and what our bodies will let us do. And the consequences we cause when we powder through and just do what we know we are capable of.

Contest prep is a huge example of this for me. Pushing myself past what my back wants me to do. Although what I’m experiencing now is worse than what I experienced last year in show prep.

We must ignore what hurts in order to get basic things done. For example, getting kids to and from school, grocery shop, Drive, vacuum, shower, meal prep, you name it. Pain affects everything.

Letting go. At some point after an injury you must let go of the way your life used to be and embrace the life we lead now. It’s like a funeral for your old self. This is not easy. Depression is part of this process. You know how your life was before and it’s easy to get angry about how your life is now.

Now I know I can do lots not with modifications but I’m human and impatient. I want to do everything I want, when I want. Plus, I have life factors that impede my life. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am an athlete. I don’t have time for this – or this is what I say when I know the “old” me could juggle all life had for her better than the “new” me.

Management is huge to embracing this new life. Finding the balance in pain control and life enjoyment. My Spinal Stimulator is a huge positive factor in pain control. Lately, however, it’s not managing the pain well and I am left in tears and finding it hard to cope. I don’t like a stagnant life or being stuck laying flat. Something is clearly inflaming my back but I am not sure what or why.

Advocating for myself and making necessary appointment will be vital in my returning back to my goals and dreams. I’m not giving up yet!

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